i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
