Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
