We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
