I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
