I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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