Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
