I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
