His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
