I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
This house was built for laser tag.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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