There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
did you just send me my own nude
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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