My nipple is on Facebook.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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