Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
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