I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
