The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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