you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
