Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
