Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
