he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
