Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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