i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
