i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
