I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
