I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
