yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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