I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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