i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
