They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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