maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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