Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
