I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
