My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
