So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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