she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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