Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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