Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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