I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
