did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
