shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
