Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
