Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
