I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
