Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
