does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
