Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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