the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
