We named our party play list daddy issues
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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