My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
