This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
