Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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