so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
